I took the picture of Jax a few nights ago. That night was especially rough for me as I let the craziness of the world take over my thoughts. At that very moment I needed her sweet innocence so I quickly snapped a few pics of her peacefully sleeping, warm, protected and loved.
My heart hurts and I am so scared right now for so many reasons, but mostly I am sad for how this affects Jax. I know that may seem pretty selfish considering this is a GLOBAL CATASTROPHE; but it’s my job to keep her happy, healthy, safe and protected.
She knows what’s happening in the world right now; she understands it as best as her 7 year-old mind allows. I pray that these hard times don’t rob her of her innocence, don’t steal her joy.
So I’m writing this to her, maybe I’ll read it to her, maybe I won’t. I just need to put it out there for her…
To my sweet Jaxie,
I love you the most and I love you the best. Your sweet face brightens my world every single day and now, more than ever, I appreciate your silliness, your happiness and your supreme cuteness more than you will ever know.
I am sorry your busy routine has come to a halt.
I am sorry your spring break was ruined, all of our plans canceled.
I am sorry you likely won’t be going back to school any time soon. I’ve thought about homeschool for you before, now we get to try it out! I apologize ahead of time for the patience I know I will lose and the mistakes I’m sure I will make during “Mom School.”
I’m sorry you miss your friends.
I’m sorry if I seem distracted and sad.
I’m sorry you can’t go to your singing lessons, I know you love them so much.
I’m sorry the shows you were so excited to perform in have been postponed. You were working so hard, showing such dedication. You were going to be the cutest Dormouse in Alice in Wonderland and your solos in the Academy showcases were guaranteed to blow the audience away.
I am sorry you have heard me and your daddy speak with worry in our voices.
I am sorry your daddy has asthma and other conditions that could make this illness catastrophic for him. Let’s keep praying for him and that everyone we love stays healthy and safe.
Baby, I’m sorry. I am just so sorry this is the world right now.
I’m sorry this will be something you remember forever. If you were a few years younger you wouldn’t remember it. If you were a few years older you would be able to better understand. But maybe not, because I don’t even understand what is happening.
I pray this is all over soon. I pray that our family and friends and their family and friends remain healthy and safe and that we don’t lose anybody to the dreaded C.
When you’re older and you remember this time when you were “7 and 3/4” and in the second grade and forced to stay home, I hope the memories you have are those of joy and happiness. I hope you recall this time as extra time spent with your mommy and daddy. I hope these days for you are remembered only for our neighborhood walks, forts in the living room, hot chocolate and movie marathons, popcorn and painting rocks, games, puzzles, staying up late on school nights and lessons learned at our kitchen table. A time when you felt extra protected, extra loved and extra appreciated.
I love you so much, Jacquelyn. Thank you for not complaining and being so resilient and adaptable to the change and disappointment. Thank you for thanking me for all the snuggles and time we’ve spent together – it was equal parts heart warming and heartbreaking. Thank you for being so generous with your smiles and giggles. Thank you for being the wonderful child that you are.
You are my favorite and you are my best.